Stress

I’ve not written for a little while and really its because I’ve not quite been in the right frame of mind to get any coherent words on a page or screen. We had a really fun, action packed Easter break albeit not the most restful and while we were away our builders were knocking down our kitchen.

So we arrived back late Friday night to the building site. My first reaction was wow its huge and felt very exciting but there were bits of wet concrete on the floor, no banister on the stairs, dangling wires everywhere and exposed pipes – not really a place for four small children to roam free in. I also had forgotten the haste in which we had packed up the kitchen so the living room was jam packed with boxes none of which I knew the contents of. With a sense of rising panic we decided to go out for breakfast next morning to work out how we are going to live for the next few weeks.

Tim reminded me that it could be worse – we could be refugees who had lost their homes. However true this was it only served to make me feel guilty for the levels of stress I was feeling at that moment. To top it off I was on a really heavy period and in a complete mood where I could not really see the bright side of anything. To be perfectly honest I think a little bit of that mood is still with me!

We did manage to sort the boxes a little and find the essential kitchen items we might need and clear a bit of space for the kids to play but every room in the house was filled with stuff and every time I walked across the landing squeezing past the ironing board I’d stub my toe on our dining table leg. Thankfully this week we got a garage back so have been able to free up quite a bit of space inside and once it is all finished it will be amazing.

I’ve found it really tough though. I think its accentuated all the hard bits of parenting. The main one being the constant feeling of being needed all the time. Quite often I enjoy this feeling but during the last few weeks I have sometimes felt like packing a suitcase, abandoning all responsibilities and flying to a beach somewhere sunny.

On holidays we were just putting the kids to bed and my friend asked if I wanted to come watch the sunset, she had told her husband and so I thought why not and we disappeared for a glorious few minutes but seriously the amount of stick I got for ‘abandoning the children at bedtime’ (there were two grown men in the house one of which was the children’s father!). I also recently went for an early morning run and came back to Harry exclaiming Connie had been wondering round the house looking for me and they were all starving because there was no milk left and I must go and get some immediately despite the fact I was dripping wet and covered in mud! The call of ‘mummy’ was starting to flare up a feeling of anxiety and I’m screaming in my head ‘just leave me alone’ (or sometimes out loud in not so many words)

Then there’s the bombardment of guilt of realising you are not enjoying your children, you are stressed and snappy and unpleasant, constantly feeling close to tears. And its not like there’s anything really major happened no one’s died, we’re not refugees but it’s the relentlessness of a mountain of demands that only seem to be getting higher and all of which seem to be a priority to meet.

Interspersed with my mind going a bit crazy has been moments of amazing kindness – a friend bringing round a pack of baked goodies to keep me going, encouraging cards, many meals cooked for us, listening ears and assurance that I’m not a terrible person. Also there was a verse of the day a couple of week back which really encouraged me (my morning quiet times have fallen by the way side so a verse of the day here and there is all I am managing at the moment!)

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

Psam 3v3

I just had a lovely picture of God gently lifting my head and saying its ok you got this. And me hiding under His shield from the bombardment of stress, worry and feelings of failure.

I think I’m emerging from the dark cloud but I thought its worth documenting the hard times. Sometimes I don’t feel like being a mum and I think that’s ok. But it’s a calling and you can’t walk away from it and the feeling will pass. God equips us to what He calls us to and if today has gone badly there’s always tomorrow.