Worthy to serve

I have started a post quite a few times but couldn’t seem to get it out. I seemed to have a bit of a block.

Over the last year I have watched quite a few sunsets. I am always amazed at the beauty of them and it feels special to be still for a few minutes. On one occasion last June I was thinking about the tough months that had been and I felt God speak to me. I think I wanted Him to say the sun is setting on my struggle with depression but instead He said “see the beauty in it”.  I think I have been waiting to be “better” before I can count myself worthy of offering anything useful in this blog on Christian parenting or even in church community in general but it seems that perhaps God wants to teach me He can use me in my brokenness, in my imperfect state. That up from the ashes hope will arise and my hope will not be put to shame. Isiah 61:3, Romans 5:5

I have tried to draw a line, put it in the past, get back to “normal” but it has changed me and perhaps I need to embrace that. I remember my Dad telling me “you’ll be stronger after this – you’ll know yourself better and understand others better” and he was right. Another friend wrote me a message at the end of the year saying “Its been quite a year of transformation for you Chrissy and now you are so much like your true self, it’s been a blessing to witness” I was quite surprised by this to be honest as I thought I was losing who I was but I can see especially through the counselling how I actually know myself better now.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking recently considering what is my life really about? Have I chosen a good path? Am I leading my children along a good path? I remember a similar feeling when I was 13 (just a wee while ago ;) I was at a Christian convention and we were singing “When I survey the wondrous cross” and I had this pivotal moment where I knew I had to decide whether I really believed all this – did I want to spend my life following Jesus or should I forget it all and see what the world has to offer. I have never regretted that decision or really doubted it until this time last year when it seemed I had fallen into darkness and doubt crept in – was God really with me? Did he really love me? Can I really serve a purpose? Is my life worth anything? Could my hope be false?

These sporadic doubts made me question whether I am fit to disciple others including my own children. I lost my confidence in my absolute resolve that the best thing I can do with my life is love Jesus and tell others about Him. I lost confidence in my life having any purpose or value.

I questioned my place in the light as it seemed my thoughts so easily went to darkness. There is so much darkness in the world - you only have to switch the news on for a few minutes to see that. But I was fighting dark thoughts in my own mind which I couldn’t just turn off. I needed to know is the light really stronger than the dark?

I find the Psalms so good at articulating some of these wrestles and comforting in that whatever the psalmist is going through they are always brought back to “yet I will put my trust in God”. I will lift my eyes from my circumstances, not inward, for the strength inside us depends on what we are leaning on but upwards to the God who made me. I love this song based on Psalm 139 that gives hope that even the darkest darkness will not be dark to God:

“When my heart is wounded,weary from the fight; troubles overwhelm me,plague my soul and mind; prayers are left unanswered,doubts and fears pursue: even this darkness is not too dark for you.”

I am a big fan of C. S. Lewis – I’ve never been an atheist like he was - I’ve never really had any trouble believing the existence of God the alternative seems much harder to believe in my opinion but I find his writing so logical and compelling. A few months ago I watched “The most reluctant Convert” which is a film based on C. S. Lewis’s most famous books quite a lot from “Surprised by Joy” and it helped me see once again the relentlessness of God’s pursuit of us even when we are trying our hardest to run from him. But also God’s gentleness in his offer, he does not force himself on us but gently draws us to know Him so that when we know Him we will love Him and when we love Him we will love others.

“You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms. The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? The words “compelle intrare,” compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation.”― C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Life

I had not lost my faith nor was I running from it like C.S. Lewis but it had been shaken. I needed to as I was reminded in a sermon “to fix our eyes on Him not on the work of the enemy.”

I am still plagued with days of not feeling right and I still need to take medication to keep my head clear and so I can’t really draw a line and say my battle is over but that doesn’t disqualify me from discipling my children or encouraging others. I really do believe that following Jesus is the best thing I can do in this life and that teaching my kids to do the same is the best thing for them too. Faith in Jesus gives us identity, purpose and hope. I was never worthy but Jesus made me worthy and I love Him not for what He did for me but for who He is, just like, incredibly He loves me for who I am.

I had this amazing reminder of that last October. I was really gutted that I missed the Northern Lights last May so I have an Aurora Alert app and on 10th October it was red alert!! I will also confess that I did pray and ask God if I could see them. I drove up to the top of a hill with a friend at midnight. We could sort of see them but quite faint. After an hour we almost went home but thought we’d give it another few minutes and suddenly the sky was dancing with the Northern Lights, greens, reds, purples. To me it was like a huge “I love you” from God.

 I love this quote:

“Christianity discerns that beyond the night, the dawn already glows. The hope that does not fail is carried in the heart. Christ goes with us!”  Archbishop Oscar Romero

That’s what I want for my children!