My battle with depression

This week I ran a 10k. It wasn’t a pb and I have ran many runs before but this one felt particularly significant. In the last few months I have experienced some of the hardest weeks of my life battling the darkness that is depression. So Tuesday night as I ran with a smile on my face, a team of supporters and fellow runners and a real sense of satisfaction as I crossed the finish line felt like a good milestone in my fight against this horrible illness.

There wasn’t one trigger or a particular moment that led to it but a cumulation of stresses and living in a constant state of overwhelm for too long and a family history of depression which likely made me more prone to suffering.

My hope with writing this is that perhaps my experience can help someone who is also suffering or someone who is supporting someone who is suffering. And the main thing to know is you are not alone and IT WILL PASS!

I knew quite a lot about depression – the symptoms, the ways to help prevent it, likely triggers but I still managed to ignore it for the best part of six months. A big reason I was in denial is that I had made a promise to myself that I would never be depressed and it was probably one of my biggest fears in life, so I was very reluctant to admit to feeling the way I was. I was referred to a counsellor back in May last year but it was January before I actually did anything about it even though I ticked nearly all of the boxes of symptoms.

I used this to beat myself up – "I should have seen it coming", "I should have done this", "I should have done that"... but that is viewing things through the lens of depression which jumps to the negative of everything.

I tried to keep going saying once the building work is finished I’ll be ok but I wasn’t. In fact when people would come round and say you must be so happy with this, I would smile and nod but feel a bit numb and then feel very guilty for not being happy and think I must be so ungrateful because I couldn’t enjoy the amazing blessing of a lovely new extension. My circumstances did not match up with my feelings so I basically told myself to “Pull my socks up” (which is something I would never say to anyone else who was feeling like I did – we can be so unkind to ourselves!)  I’d then just rally myself to keep going with I’ll be ok after a week holiday or when I get this work project finished etc etc… but until now I never got to a point of being ok.

I was tired, irritable and over whelmed. I frequently was dropping the kids off at nursery getting back into the car and bursting into tears. Then when it came to November and we lost Great Nana I had no capacity for grief. I had no capacity for when the car broke down or for trying to make sure Santa managed to deliver on Christmas day but I just ploughed through. I thought I had no other choice but to try and cope.

My parents who have been an amazing support had seen it coming, persuaded me to ring the doctor and he was lovely and reassured me I wouldn’t ruin Christmas, recommended counselling and to come back to him if I was still struggling. I was not willing to contemplate the word depression though – I’d rather I was just stressed, over whelmed, anxious even as though any of those are better! I did pursue counselling but kept with the same vein thinking I just needed to get to the New Year then I can have a new start and be fine again.

New Year’s day came and I woke up and felt like crying. I had nothing left. I couldn’t rally myself any more. Not even “Fighter” by Of King and Country could get me going. I tried to go on a church walk but every time I tried to say anything to anybody I could feel the tears rising so I turned and came home. I gave my parents a call and they again persuaded me to go to the doctors. I was still unwilling to accept that I needed to stop. I thought how can I stop I have people that depend on me! I even took my laptop with me thinking I’ll go to the appointment and then head to work. When I walked out of the GP with a sick note in my hand I really thought that’s it - my life is over.

I descended into a cloud where I couldn’t see anything good. I could feel it – a pressure just behind my eyes weighing me down. Tim said he sometimes saw me staring gloomily into space that was when I was looking into the cloud and could see nothing good and no way out. I could hardly see what was in front of me. Literally everything was negative. I thought I had ruined my life and Tim and the kids lives and I had failed at everything.

I was completely exhausted. Even little walks felt like marathons. I lost my thread of thought when talking to anyone and I couldn’t make decisions for fear of making the wrong one even if it was just what should we have for dinner.

I had been off work physically ill the week before Christmas – most likely linked to my poor mental health and I’d left a project which was meant to be finished in October and had just failed pre deployment testing in December so I thought I was letting people down and my perception of what my collegues thought of my work was completely skewed. I was pretty much convinced that everyone thought I was terrible at my job, they would realise that I wasn’t needed and I’d most certainly be fired.

I completely lost my connection to God. It felt like He had abandoned me. I flipped between being really angry that God didn’t protect me to I’ve obviously done something to offend God and I’ve been banished from His presence because I’m so worthless and useless and a complete failure. Church was a really hard place to be I couldn’t find peace or joy and I felt condemned because of that. No one made me feel this way it was the lens through which I was looking and my mind taking the negative view on everything. I had to step back from basically all church involvement which again felt like I was letting people down but was also very isolating as serving was a way I felt part of the community. It was so hard to have something that had always given me life and joy be somewhere I could hardly stand to be.

I was a complete mess and I thought that admitting that I was not coping meant I had failed but I can see now getting help was not defeat or failure it was the beginning of my recovery.

I was very fortunate to be able to see a mental health nurse the very next day after seeing the GP. She helped me accept where I was, she reassured me I was not mad or a failure and I had been going full pelt for too long and I had crashed. My body had gone into defence mode in response to too much stress and pressure which was also why I felt so tired. She gave me good advice for steps forward which I felt were very slow and really wanted a list of things I could do and in a couple of weeks I’d be fine. I didn’t believe her when she said it took six months to get into this state it will probably take at least six months to get out of it but she knew what she was talking about! She tried to reassure me that things can go on without me - I can stop and rest. I see that as a relief now but it was rather humbling at the time – I kind of enjoy being needed! However I needed to stop thinking everything depends on me. She also said try and only do things you can succeed at - I needed for a while to not experience failure.

I set about seeking reassurance from trusted friends and often rang my parents to reassure me about various skewed views I had. They knew what I needed to hear. Things like:

·      " You are not a failure"

·       "It takes courage to ask for help"

·       "Don’t feel guilty"

·       "Its ok to step back"

·       "You are doing the right things"

·       "Don’t rush back to work"

I set about trying to resolve all the things I felt I’d failed at. Despite my gloomy outlook on work the opposite thankfully proved true. I got so much support and reassurance that I could actually do my job and everyone was so kind. I was able to go back slowly and had colleagues checking in on me and going for lunchtime walks. Once I was well enough to go back to work it helped in way give a sense of achievement so I didn’t feel so useless.

One thing that really helped is the book “The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse” by Charlie Mackesy–  I also watched the animation found here so many times when my mind would not give me peace. It helped counteract negative thoughts about myself. Here’s a few gems that helped me:

“What is the bravest thing you've ever said? asked the boy.'Help,' said the horse.'Asking for help isn't giving up,' said the horse. 'It's refusing to give up.”

“Always remember you matter, you're important and you are loved, and you bring to this world things no one else can.”

“We often wait for kindness...but being kind to yourself can start now.”

“When the big things feel out of control focus on what you love right under your nose”

“Sometimes I worry you'll all realise I'm ordinary," said the boy. "Love doesn't need you to be extraordinary." said the mole.”

Exercise has always been my go to when I’ve felt a bit down but to begin with I was so exhausted that anything other than short walks was all I could manage and I started a 15 min stretching video which I did and still do every night before bed and that helped me wind down and get to sleep. I can also now touch my toes which I haven’t been able to do since I was little! I slowly built this up and I eventually got back to running which had always been a help in topping up the endorphins and is why I entered the 10k as bit of motivation.

I received counselling which helped get to the root of some of the thoughts I was having and how to deal with them. Here’s a little testimonial I wrote for my counsellor “It has been so helpful to have someone completely neutral and non judgemental to talk to. It has helped me get to know myself better and understand why I have reacted to being diagnosed with depression the way I did. I have come away with little nuggets or statements that can help ward off unhelpful thoughts. When my mind felt very clouded I found counselling helped bring clarity and to see myself in a gentler light.”

I wrote and still do in a gratitude journal every day which is a habit I’ve always wanted to get into. I find it interesting that gratitude is often recommend as a way to help low mood. Its also helped me when trying to resolve a feeling of condemnation for not having joy – choosing gratitude in all circumstances I think is a way of choosing joy no matter how you’re feeling.

Another recommendation was to create a memory box so that when you’re thinking negatively about the past you have something positive to counteract. I have made annual photobooks in the past but I’d got a bit behind so when I felt up to it I started doing those and found it a really helpful exercise. I had written off 2023 as being a terrible year where I had ruined everything but the photos said otherwise.

Slowly I was feeling better and I rather foolishly set a deadline for me to be better by which I’d decided would be Easter Sunday. Unfortunately it doesn’t really work that way. You can’t just decide you are better and I had been warned you are at your most vulnerable when you start to feel better. So I ended up having a dip and I think it was only then that I finally faced up to the word depression. Until then I had still not fully accepted that was what I had.

I had been quite strongly against taking medication (although ironically had in the past encouraged others to consider it for similar problems) – I guess I thought it meant admitting defeat and there still feels like there’s a stigma around it but with the help of others who have benefited from it and good advice from friends I decided to try. I had been warned that you feel worse before you feel better and it can take a few weeks to see any benefit. I did have a horrendous week of headaches and feeling terrible and losing focus at work but about two and half weeks in I woke up one day and realised I could think. I went to work that day and I remember thinking this is so much easier with a clearer head. It wasn’t a silver bullet but I think what it did was enabled my mind to get to a state where all the other things like exercise, taking time to yourself, reducing stress where possible… could work.

I had resolved quite a few things by this point but one thing I hadn’t fully been able to resolve was the feeling of abandonment by God. Seeds of doubt had been planted about a truth I had believed and leant on all my life - that God would never leave me. I really struggled to pray – I had lost the way I normally talk to God or hear from him. I tried to read the verse for the day but nothing seemed to go in though I did read one which talked about breath prayers where you say something on the inward breath and then something on the outward breath. For quite a while all I could pray was –

“I will take heart, you are restoring me”

and it did give me hope so I believe I was led to that. However disconnected I felt I never got to a point of losing all hope and I’m very thankful for that. I now have a habit of doing my stretches while listening to lectio 365 which is a bible meditation app. Ever since having children I have unsuccessfully tried to find a quiet time that sticks but this is a good thing that has come out of a terrible time!

 As I began to see things clearer and be able to look back at the last few months I can see where God has been. Many wonderful people have been praying for me, checking in on me, putting up with me with love and kindness!

An example is when I went to a pilates class while I was on sick leave and I bumped into a collegue who had recently retired. My mind immediately panicked and I thought he’s going to tell everyone at work that I’m not really ill and just going to the gym. When he said hello I started crying! He was really kind and offered to take me for a cuppa after the class. He really reassured me that I was doing the right thing taking time off and was able to say that projects continue without you. He also reassured me about a promotion I was trying to prove myself worthy of but he said you get the promotion as a reward for already doing the work so you don’t have to work to earn it and that was just what I needed to hear.

Another colleague said he’d been praying for me which was amazing to me in itself but then he shared this from the Heidelberg catechism

Q. What is your only comfortin life and in death?

A. That I am not my own but belong, body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.

Again it was just what I needed to hear having felt so isolated from church community and distant from God. I still belonged to Him no matter what I felt.

I also had a friend that I hadn’t shared much with but had picked up on me not being quite right and she sent me a song from an album called downcast souls expectant hearts. You can find it here  I had been really struggling to sing at church or even listen to some worship songs but this album helped reassure me that I could still worship even if I don’t feel happy. Lament is part of worship.

I reached out to the church prayer group in April which was a bit of a turning point as finally I was acknowledging I had depression. This is what I wrote:

“I've been reluctant to message here but it's sort of a statement of faith that I'm asking you to pray for me. I have been struggling with depression for the first time in my life. It has taken a while to accept that word and I thought I was almost better and it be all over soon but I've gone back into a cloud. My head is foggy and headachey and I feel lost and useless. I feel so disconnected from God and I am just about clinging on. Thankfully I am not exhausted like I was before and I'm able to function but the life has been sucked out of me. Please pray for healing and that I would know God's with me even if I can't feel it. Thank you.”

Another thing that was very powerful for me was a message I received from a friend who wasn’t even in the prayer circle but had been praying for me and got this picture.

“I had a picture of you in a stormy sea in a lifebelt ring. I felt that this is how you see yourself at the moment. It showed me that you will be safe and that you will be rescued. But then I saw that you were terrified still as you were in the middle of the ocean and you couldn’t see any land or boats or people to help. It occurred to me that you need to know that you are not in a lifebelt on your own, this is not the reality. You need to see the real picture not the lifebelt one… The real picture is that you are already in the lifeboat, you are already being rescued and you have a chance to have a cup of tea on the boat, rest and recover in the presence of your saviour before you even reach the land and have to go back to normality again.”

It just so accurately and profoundly described my situation. I hadn’t lost hope but I was terrified and felt so alone but the reality was I wasn’t alone and to be given the go ahead to have a cup of tea and wait was just what I needed to hear. Most of the professionals saw I was someone who would unwittingly try and jump back into everything again before being fully recovered and this could set me back so I have used this illustration at times to stop me doing that!

On May 6th 2024 I was able to write on the prayer chat:

“Just wanted to say thank you for praying. I've felt so much better since Thursday. I was able to genuinely enjoy Connie's party and I can't take enjoyment for granted anymore so I'm very grateful and my head is so much clearer. I'm working things through with God but I know He didn't abandon me even when I felt He had and I know the prayers of many held me when I couldn't hold myself so thank you.”

Not long ago I caught up with a school friend and she told me that back in January her mum had woken up in the night and thought of me and felt the need to pray for me. I was a bit blown away to be honest – it just felt like God saying: see I was there, I never left, I was rescuing you.

I am so grateful for the many friends and family who were praying, sending messages, thinking of me, lending a listening ear. I was never alone even when I felt I was and I was always loved even when I felt unlovable.

So was God there – did he leave me? I am certain now that He never did. I kept being reminded of the song “Above All” by Micheal W Smith. There is a line in it that says

“You took the fall and thought of me above all”

It is really powerful to think that on the cross that was what God was thinking about – about me. He died for me. I was at a point where I felt worthless and completely useless and I know a lot of that was down to being ill but I think I was also placing way too much of my worth in what I could do or achieve. It sometimes amazes me how art can cost up to millions of pounds – in my logical, sometimes uncreative mind I can think its not worth that but what I think will not change its worth- its worth is what someone is willing to pay for it. So what am I worth? The sum of my achievements? The size of my bank account? The number of disciples I’ve made? What others think I’m worth? What I think I’m worth? No! I’m worth what God was willing to pay for me.

You don’t have to be extraordinary or the best at anything or stand out. The most beautiful thing you can be is yourself – who God made you to be. The challenge is to be content with that. I have come face to face with my limitations and quite honestly I’d rather be able to cope with everything and be the best at everything but as the message version puts Psalm 46:10

“Stop striving and know that I am God” He is God. I am not.

Wow that's been a mammoth read hopefully something helpful in there! Writing it has helped me to reflect on it all at least. I’ll just finish with a prayer by Henri Nouwen which I have found helpful...

“O Lord… You know me more deeply and fully than I know myself.  You love me with a greater love than I can love myself. You even offer me more than I can desire… Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest.”

If there is anyone reading this and you feel in anyway like I did - please know you are not alone and IT WILL PASS whether you believe in God or not there is help and you can recover and feel yourself again so go speak to someone. You are not worthless you are the complete opposite. You are priceless and so loved.